Evaluation+and+Reflection

= Old Evaluation/Reflection of Final Semester (May 2008) =

Key For Me[[image:key.jpg width="192" height="132" align="right"]]
This final semester of my teacher education program has been an exploration of who I am as a teacher. I have laughed, cried, and pondered over countless happy, discouraging, enlightening, and frustrating moments. Out of everything I experienced this semester, I feel that the most important realization I've had is my profound respect for the art of teaching. I don't know what makes a good teacher any more than I know the backs of my hands. I see good teaching every day and can recognize it in sunny faces and furled eyebrows and hands shooting up in the air. I also see the backs of my hands every day when I write and type and wash. Yet I cannot write or speak assuredly about either. One teacher's best practice may be another's worst. One teacher's strength might be another's weakness. One teacher's perfect lesson might blow up in another's face.

I don't know how many veins or lines or wrinkles are on the backs of my hands. I don't know the holes or curves or bends. I can't see what's going on beneath the surface, but I know that something is moving, churning. The same goes for teaching. I don't know how many veins or lines or wrinkles there are in a good teacher. I don't know the holes or curves or bends. I can't see what's going on beneath the surface, but I know that something is moving, churning. I am a part of both, but there is no diagram, no manual, no reference. There are general ideas and so many unknowns. Every shape, texture, form, line, and color is different. Yet they can all be recognized. Every one is constantly changing. Yet their strengths run true and deep. Every way they are manipulated and motivated from the inside and out varies. Yet their goals are similar.

I strive to be a reflective practitioner in any work that I do. This means identifying my strengths and weaknesses, questioning my methods and movements, and generating goals and ideas. I need to discover what good teaching means and how it shows in me, and output creativity through my hands.

**Pondering[[image:English_cartoon1.jpg align="right"]]**
What is Teaching?

What is it to teach? Coursework? Certificates? I can sit in class next to her The girl who’s in it just for A job. She takes no interest in The class or her students Who look to her for guidance While she’s looking for A check. And so I take a test So much like the ones I am fighting for my students not To take. And she, as well, takes The test and pays the fees The certificates arrive for us To have. What is it to teach? Knowledge? Expertise? I know a man who Has worlds of experience With math. His knowledge flows From brain to pen From pen to board And stops. The students squirm Looking around Gossiping with each other Noticing him turn And stop. Yet there’s a wall Built between them Where the students can’t see in Yet the professor can See out. What is it to teach? Leadership? Modeling? Look at Mr. Bush Tell that to each child Left behind. Teaching, is seems, Isn’t jargon. So here I am A “teacher,” Still struggling with what It means.


 * This poem represents my ongoing quest of the definition of my chosen profession and all its components. I constantly wrestle with what it means to teach and to teach well. As in PALMER’S BOOK, The Courage to Teach, I agree that everyone seems to be able to pinpoint what BAD teaching is, but most are perplexed at why a teacher of theirs was great. I have seen the most soft-spoken, demure teachers take charge of a chaotic band of adolescents. I have seen toothless elderly, non-computer using teachers in 1950s housedresses be lovingly embraced by cell-phone toting, braces wearing, scantily-clad teenagers and be told “you’re my favorite.” Somehow the “best” teachers are accepted for who they are---no matter what is said about “taking a strong command in your voice” or “conforming to the times” or whatever “to do” checklist item is presented to a teacher for them to be considered “acceptable” to their students. I have my own favorite teachers, but I am not them. I have to discover what of my OWN strengths reach my students, what the meaning of teaching is to ME, and what it FEELS like to teach well. I will always question, constantly adding to my answer of “what is it to teach?” Check out my Edublog at [|lindsayshields.edublog.org]

How I Have Grown
During my first observation as a student teacher, I was nervous. I had a terrible week and I just lost composure during the meeting with my observer. I was extremely hard on myself, overly worried that the students would hate me because I made them late to recess. As I began to calm down, I soaked in all the information my observer had to say. She said that I maintained order and structure for each of the activities we did. She liked that I had written the agenda up on the board and revealed each step clearly as we went along as a class. She appreciated that I highlighted new dramatic vocabulary words the students learned during the lesson and recapped them at the end. She was concerned that the activities I chose to do with the class felt disjointed--as if I was forcing them to fit together. We also discussed adjusting tone of voice for different activities. She thought my biggest struggle was in assessment.

I, too, felt that the activities felt forced. They each had their purpose, but could have been completed individually on different days. I used role-on-the-wall to discuss character traits and then had students create a tableau, of which few had to do with the character traits each group just discussed! If I had a more clear objective of what I wanted the students to learn (in this case, I wanted them to get a chance to share some details about the literature circle books they were reading), I could've designed a more cohesive lesson. My cooperating teacher thought this was funny, because in meetings she has noticed that I always try to pick out or articulate the main objective. In fact, that's how we began literature circles together---with the objective of getting students to think more critically about reading! Somehow I haven't translated this skill into one-day lesson plans I develop. I am much better at defining objectives when there is a unit.

I talked about how I had a difficult time hearing and using tone, and I had been working on that for several months. I tend to work in extremes, so it is hard for me to recognize the subtle in-betweens. I decided I would observe different teacher's and students' tone for the next several weeks for the sake of having models.

Assessment was difficult for me because I knew how to explain how I would assess students to someone else, but I had no idea how to articulate it in a lesson plan. My observer gave me suggestions and ideas for things she would look for in a lesson plan. My cooperating teacher agreed to share various assessment tools she used in the classroom and gathered from workshops.

The time in between my first and second observation I spent thinking about objectives when there is a single lesson, observing and practicing tone, and learning about various forms of assessment. I found that when I was mindful about creating a clear objective, it was easy to do so. As long as I hold onto that awareness when I create a lesson, I will have a clear objective.

Tone continues to be a struggle, but I am working on it. I observed fellow student teachers as well as other teachers in the school. I feel that I can recognize tone much better, but I still have difficulty using it properly to my advantage. I know that facial expressions often help me remember tone. For example, I know that if I smile, I generally use a light tone and have an easy speaking voice. If I furl my eyebrows, I usually have a more gruff and loud tone.

I think I am overwhelmed with forms of assessment. I have looked over models, literal forms, and "alternative forms" of assessment. I think my favorite is the class grid. In a class grid, you have boxes with all the names of the students in the class. You can record observations in each box. It is really versatile! For instance, if you want to observe which students speak up in their groups, you can make tally marks for every time you hear various students speak.

My second observation went quite smoothly. I was much more calm and relaxed. My observer and I talked about how I handled some tricky situations, such as when a student said, "The sun shines for anyone who hates school." I noticed that when nearly the entire class moved, they were all giggling and enjoying themselves. When all the students found a new spot in the circle, I said, "You may think you don't like school, but I saw most of you smiling and laughing when we played this game---and this is school!"

I got tripped up when I asked students for definitions of things and we weren't on the same page. I actually said, "not really," to a student! I kept him talking on the subject until he got to some higher thinking, but I still said "not really"!!! I need to work on slowing down when a student responds. It is okay for me to pause and reflect on what a student says. If I feel I must speak right away, it is safer to say, "Let me think about that for a second," rather than answering with the first opinion or thought that comes to my head.

My observer said that I did much better with tone and assessment this time around. I was thankful for that, as I had been working on it for several weeks. While I feel I am armed with assessment skills, I know I still have a long way to go in tone. She said she appreciated my calm, easygoing tone. I may have that one down, but there are many more to learn!!!

I felt that the lesson went well and the students were really engaged. They were focused and seemed to be having fun. All the groups were on task. My observer said I set strong parameters for the students to work in so they felt accomplished. I feel I accomplished as well!

**What I Need to Work On**

My biggest trouble spot is FEAR. I am afraid to take what I perceive as big risks in my profession. For example, I want to publish a book. This has been a goal of mine since I was six years old. I have written, rewritten, started novels and dropped them, finished works and left them to sit...now is the time to act on them.

This semester began with a writing assignment on which my professor wrote back, "You should consider writing!" I laughed, half at the comment and half at myself. It had been a long time since I seriously discussed creating a published work with someone and the note resparked my interest. If someone from out of the blue whom I respect and admire for their expertise as a drama practitioner as well as an academic said that I should write, well then, I should write! I spent the rest of the semester pining over what that meant.

My next struggle came in recognizing why I haven't seriously written something in a long time. At first I gave the typical excuses of time and patience. Then, as I started to dissect the problem, I recognized the deeper issue. I am a perfectionist, and my perfectionism gets in the way of doing things.

I have a love-hate relationship with my perfectionism. Sometimes it is my motivation, taking me in positive, creative, innovative directions. Other times it is my hindrance, my reason for putting things off, my reason for not finishing projects, my reason for not handing something over. I have been known to hold onto assignments because my final product doesn't live up to my standards! I also use my perfectionism as a device to downplay an accomplishment. For example, I may work really hard on something and then nit-pick on all the things I did wrong, when I should be thankful for the things I did well and looking at the perceived "mistakes" as stepping stones for improvement!

Perfectionism has been a part of my modus operandi for as long as I can remember. I need to discover a way to embrace it and see it as a positive trait. I can use it to bring out the best in myself and others. I can be a perfectionist without the pressure. I just have to accept life as a constant work-in-progress and see every process and project as a positive step forward.

By embracing my perfectionism, I have a good chance at letting go of fear. Fear and love are so intricately connected, stemming from the same part of the body---the heart. Both make the heart pound, but in different ways. Both regulate and grip the entire body, but in different ways. One causes retreat and the other causes magnetism. I believe that a fearsome mindset not only repels oneself, but others are repelled by it! A loving mindset allows for bravery, determination, acceptance, and closeness---and inspires others! The more I embrace my fears, the more they will subside. The more loving I become, the greater things I can accomplish!

Looking back on the semester, I have embraced several fears. I have talked to students about race and gender issues. I have spoken up in class even though there was dissent. I have turned down a job, even though I needed to find a way to pay bills, because it went against my code of ethics. I have tried new theatre techniques I have learned in classes and seminars, such as creating Shakespearian sonnets and working with groups toward positive conflict resolution. I have played with new technologies and gadgets, like wikis and blogs! My next step is to write, uninhibited, free, with abandon! After all, my professor reminded me, "Only you are holding yourself back!" With that in mind, one of my goals for the coming school year is to post a public blog on my first year of teaching in NYC. Hopefully this step will allow me to continue gaining insight into teaching and embrace my fear of writing for the greater community.

Goals

 * Goals I Set at the Beginning of the Semester and How I Have/Have Not Reached Them**

1. Teach at a high school in NYC for at least two years: I am working on applying to several schools in NYC. I have been recommended a few by my cooperating teacher. I have also gone through the DOE website and pulled out titles of specialty schools that interest me. 2. One day teach theatre/English in a university: I am tracking schools that support my interests of intercultural communication, education reform, and using theatre for community building. I am also looking into research projects and grants that are available for teacher-researchers. I have been compiling a list of summer teacher education workshops and seminars at various universities. 3. Obtain a PhD: I got a graduate school guide from the Wasserman Center that lists different PhD program descriptions. 4. Teach in at least two countries other than the U.S. and its border neighbors: My fiancee and I are looking into jobs overseas in Dubai, New Zealand, Australia, and South Korea (where I have two friends who are English teachers!) 5. Constantly push for education reform worldwide: I have attended three seminars this semester on education reform. One was on How the Right has shaped education, one was on the changing shape of NYC education when mayoral control is released, and the most recent was on the future of arts programs and creativity. I have also been in touch with New Visions for Schools, which researches and publishes on education reform.
 * Career Goals:**

1. Develop a working relationship with my teacher mentor: When we were at camp, my cooperating teacher said she thought of me as a member of the staff!!! 2. Learn all my students' names and a bit of background information on all of them: okay, so I know my students' names, their favorite things to do after school, what they each did on mid-semester break and spring break, and what their goals are for the year. I know all their reading levels, who their friends are, how many siblings they have, a favorite movie, book, or video game, and what they like to eat for lunch...and the list keeps growing!!! 3. Read a book or journal from the field every week: This was the hardest goal to meet! I ended up reading a lot of juvenile fiction because it was available in the classroom and I didn't get to read it when I was a kid. I've also read my fair share of journals on teaching practices in the inner city. Two of the most influential books I have read this semester are Small Victories by Samuel Freedman and There Are No Children Here by Alex Kotlowitz. Both these authors are journalists who wrote profound non-fiction on the lives of inner-city youth, one from a teacher's perspective, the other from home. I am forever mesmorized and awakened. 4. Deliver a solid lesson and be able to actively assess student learning: I have worked on this ALL SEMESTER. I feel I can deliver an effective lesson. I now need to try out all the different assessment methods I have learned! 5. Gain strength from failure and use it to continually improve: This has got to be my most difficult goal. I feel that I have taken on every stumble as a stumble toward learning more. I have tried to hold fast to the experiential education cycle of learning---experience, reflect, conclude, apply. Whenever I have an experience, I need to reflect on it and glean from it conclusions I may apply to my next experience. I have tried to do this while teaching and receiving feedback. It is so easy to get bogged down in frustration, guilt, and fear. I need to recognize that I am still learning, that I am ALWAYS learning, and that means learning from mistakes and trudging...marching...skipping onward and upward!
 * Student Teaching Goals:**